SHUT your door, the laugh is contagious ....
ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS.
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was
submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their
anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop
that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser.
The effects of the Taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety....WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed
the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs.
Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what
that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a
batteries,...
right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against
a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, Taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of
bodily control;
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really
and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself,
"no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do
my best.....I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
that bad....I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the
heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over
and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in
my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself,
"do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst
when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later
(I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point),
collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they up get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles!
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Tommy
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